Kinkeeping: how to keep families connected

You’ve heard about all the unpaid domestic labour women do, but what about the countless hours they dedicate to maintaining close family ties? It’s called kinkeeping and it’s been getting a lot of attention.

By Sabrina Rogers Anderson

Occasionally, social media produces some unexpected pearls of wisdom. When American college student Molly Westcott published this TikTok video in 2022, it immediately went viral.

Molly had learnt about kinkeeping - a form of emotional labour that involves maintaining and strengthening family ties - and her mind was blown. “Kinkeeping is the root of stress in most women's lives,” she says in the video. “And because they don't know the name for it, they’re often called irrational.”

She then asks her audience to imagine a theatre putting on a play. In addition to hiring actors, they need costume designers, stagehands, a lighting designer, ushers and countless other people to work behind the scenes to pull it all off. 

“At the end of the day, when the play is done, people are not clapping for everything that they did not see,” says Molly. “They're clapping for the actors and actresses that they witnessed. In this analogy, the men are the actors and actresses and the women are the people who go unseen.

“During the holidays, there's a lot of cooking and cleaning and planning and organising and wrapping of paper and remembering of dates. But a lot of it goes unnoticed because the whole role of this job is to be invisible and to perform convenience for everyone.”

Can we have a round of applause for Molly?

Here’s why the vast majority of kinkeepers are women

When University of Nebraska-Lincoln researchers put a call out for kinkeepers for a study in 2017, 91.8% of the volunteers were women.

It seems that even with the rise of technology that makes kinkeeping easier, women are still doing the brunt of the work.

This begs the question: if kinkeeping is so demanding and thankless, why do women do it?

“I sometimes complain about everything I do to keep our family close, but deep down I love it,” laughs mother-of-3 and grandmother-of-5 Susan. “In early November every year, I call all our extended family members - about 15 people in total - and ask them for their news and some photos. Then I type up a family newsletter and get my son to add the photos because I’m not that tech-savvy. Everyone in the family looks forward to my Christmas newsletter by email. It’s a lot of work, but I love hearing everyone’s reactions each year.”

Research shows that families are one of our most important sources of support both in everyday life and when we’re facing challenges. They can even help us avoid the need for professional support such as therapy.

For some kinkeepers, playing this crucial role in family members’ lives makes the hard work worthwhile.

“My niece went through a really hard time when her husband left her with two young kids,” says Nicole. “My sister had her hands full trying to emotionally support her daughter, so I took care of the practical stuff. I made a family roster of the days we would each go over and give her a hand and cook meals for her. She’s come out the other side now and says she couldn’t have done it without us.”

According to some experts, the guilt and shame women experience when they fail to fulfil their kinkeeping duties is the main driver behind their efforts to keep family connected.

“I’ve been making family photo calendars every year for as long as I can remember and I never miss a birthday or important family event,” says Patricia. “To be honest, I’m exhausted and don’t enjoy doing it anymore, but I couldn’t just stop. It would just feel wrong and who would do it?”

Which is a good reminder that it’s not only women who can be the kinkeepers: men can get the same fulfilment out of taking on kinkeeping duties as women already experience. 

14 ways kinkeeping can keep your family connected

If you’ve decided that kinkeeping is your jam - or you’re looking for some easy ideas to make it look like you’ve gone to a lot of effort when you haven’t - here are 13 ways to keep your family ties tight.

1.  Plan an annual family get-together

Keep it simple by booking the same accommodation every year and asking each family contingent to organise a couple of meals. You can find a place with many bedrooms to all stay together, or divide and conquer in separate cabins.

2.  Create a family WhatsApp or Facebook group

Instead of spending hours individually calling or texting everyone, spread family news in one go via Whatsapp or a private Facebook group. Research has shown that Facebook family rituals increase connection, communication, reminiscing, enjoyment and social support.

3. Send a newsletter by snail mail: If you’re more traditional or you want to surprise your family with something other than junk mail in their letterbox, print out an annual family newsletter and mail it the old-school way.
   
   
4. Set up a regular family video call: This can be as simple as 15 minutes on the first Friday evening of every month. Send everyone a recurring email invitation and enjoy the regular catch-ups over the internet!
   
   
5. Call for birthdays: Make a point of calling all your extended family members for their birthdays. You don't have to chat for hours - a quick birthday wish and you're done. Create a family birthday Google calendar that you can share with everyone, making it simple for everyone to acknowledge birthdays each year.

6. Celebrate important milestones: You don’t have to be present to show you’re still proud and involved. If you can’t make it to your nephew or niece’s graduation ceremony, send a video from your family congratulating them on their achievement.
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7. Research and share the family tree: If you’re a budding genealogist, this one will be fascinating. But even if you’re not, putting together a family tree is a beautiful way to practise kinkeeping. Websites like Ancestry and Findmypast make it easy to do.
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8. Organise a Secret Santa by mail: If your family is spread out and you can’t all get together for Christmas, organise a Secret Santa and have family members mail gifts to each other in advance. Then video the present opening on Christmas day to share back to everyone.
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9. Carry on family traditions: From teaching your grandkids how to make your famous pavlova to taking them fishing, family traditions are a powerful way to connect. Make sure you share yours with the people that matter.
   
   
10. Make a family photo calendar: Photo calendars are easy to make online on websites like Snapfish. Ask each family contingent to send you a few photos, upload them into a calendar template and order enough copies to send to each household. They make perfect Christmas gifts!

11. Create a family tree: A simple hand-drawn sketch or a more elaborate family tree using DNA testing will give future generations insight into their ancestry.
    
    
12. Tell family tales: You might think your kids and grandkids aren't interested in stories from your youth or about your parents’ lives, but you’ll be surprised to see them hanging on your every word. Storytelling is a very powerful way to connect and share insights.

13. Pass down family heirlooms: From jewellery to furniture, your family members are sure to cherish items that have been in the family for generations. But distribute them wisely to avoid resentment!
    
    
14. Organise help in time of need: When a family member is going through a hard time, offering emotional support or practical help can be a huge relief and help them get through their challenges.

Kinkeepers are the family glue

Maintaining family connections and solidarity can be both challenging and rewarding. If being the family kinkeeper is taking its toll, don’t be afraid to ask other family members to pitch in. A burden shared is a burden halved!