Lifestyle
Gretel is still learning how to best “parent the parents”
Growing older has its challenges, but our parents are growing even older and we have a support role to play in that as well.
By Bron Maxabella
As we navigate our 50s, one of the biggest shifts many of us face is the role reversal with our parents. Citro’s latest Chief Customer Officer, Gretel Darby, at 55, is still grappling with what it means to "parent her parent." Her 88-year-old father is in good shape but his decision-making isn't as sharp as it once was.
"When do you stop being the child and start being a friend or an equal? And then, when do you become the parent?" she wonders. "Somebody said to me, ‘You are actually responsible for your father now, despite how difficult it gets’ and I thought — am I? I’m still really grappling with that."
It’s a sentiment many of us can relate to. When does concern become control? When does support turn into responsibility? It’s a delicate balancing act, one that few of us feel fully prepared for.
Being your parent’s parent changes things
“I’ve been through this with both of my parents and neither of them wanted that,” she laughs. But she quickly sobers to reflect on how responsible she feels towards her father and how difficult it is to find the line.
While her father has good mobility, it’s actually the thing that worries her the most. At 88 he’s still walking 3-4 kilometers a day with his new Border Collie (a breed that feels questionable to Gretel at his age), but his vision is starting to go.
“Am I really responsible for the fall that we know is going to happen?” she asks.
She notes how lucky she is to have siblings she can talk to about these big issues. “I’m so grateful to have my brothers, my husband is an only child and eventually it’s just all on you and you don’t have the kind of relief siblings bring to each other,” she notes. She agrees that the “parental venting” that goes on among siblings is so needed – the burden of difficult conversations and everyday worries feels too big for one ‘kid’ to carry.
Gretel says she probably understood this best when her mother died in 2019 and the 3 siblings leaned on each other more than ever before. “Sharing the load of that when we’d never been through anything like it before… at different times each of us could stand up and do what we needed to do and then collapse back.”
‘Ageing’ happens sooner than we think
Her mother had pancreatic cancer and being there for her, plus her current experience with her ageing father, has made Gretel particularly focused on ensuring that she has good healthcare as she gets older herself.
“It’s very much top of mind when I consider where I am going to retire,” she says.
She points out that age-related degeneration happens much earlier than people think. “Like your memory, your hearing, your vision, it's all starting to go by 50. And you compromise enough that you're starting to second guess yourself easily by your mid-50s – not 70, not 80.”
Hearing, vision, memory – they all start to decline earlier than we expect. And, for women, menopause adds another layer of complexity.
“Menopause [exacerbates] a lot of that… and then makes you second guess absolutely everything you've ever said and done,” she laughs. “So between the two, yeah, it's a midlife problem, not necessarily an old person problem… it just gets worse.”
Simple changes – like making sure fonts are large enough to read or digital buttons are spaced further apart – can make a world of difference.
"Just start with a 12-point font, and your inclusivity is massive," Gretel suggests.
"I want to make sure that people are building technology that is specifically targeted at me, my friends, and my parents, so it takes into account the small but significant disabilities we’re gradually acquiring," she says.
Finding joy in new hobbies
Something else she is acquiring – as so many of us do – is what we could term the “rapid-onset gardening bug”. "I do think as you get older, you become more attached to plants, gardening, and being in nature. I just really think we come around to it," she says.
Having a garden has been a surprising joy, but Gretel also knows she needs to keep challenging herself creatively. "I’d like to do more art... When I’m doing something creative, I’m far better at solving problems," she says.
She’s also in the water as much as she can, recently completing the Malabar Magic Open Water Swim. Her beloved dog, Harry, also keeps her active, reminding her of the simple joy of running for the sake of running. In fact, she’ll take any animal, any time and plans to bring more pets into her life over the years.
And then there’s travel: "My claim to fame is that I’ve slept at least one night in 58 different countries." She has big plans to travel more after she retires and would certainly consider making it a solo mission if her husband, Jason, (who’s generally more of a “settled” type) didn’t want to go somewhere she had on her bucket list.
“I always used to say that when you’re travelling with somebody, you end up at the lowest end of Maslow’s hierarchy of needs,” she points out. “Every single day, particularly if you’re backpacking, you are looking for food and shelter. And it’s a hell of a test on a relationship.”
The couple have been there, done that extensively, and passed the relationship test with flying colours. They’ve travelled long-term then lived together in the UK, Singapore and now in Sydney and Gretel still considers Jason her favourite person.
The ties that bind
The pair will likely stay in Sydney after they retire, despite Gretel being from New Zealand and her husband English. Along with her decision to seek good healthcare as she grows older, being an aunty to her 1.5 and 3.5-year-old nieces is a big part of where she’ll settle. She’s a hands-on aunt with occasional daycare pick up duties and she wouldn’t have it any other way.
In fact, with her mum no longer around, she feels an extra sense of responsibility to not just be an aunty but to "bring a bit of my mum to the role." “They’re the only kids in my life,” she says. “I want to be there to support my brother and his partner as often as they need me.”
More on this: Kinkeeping: How to keep families connected
Whether that’s considered taking on a ‘grandparent’ role or something else, Gretel, like many of us, basically finds age irrelevant 95% of the time – yet there’s that creeping 5% of the time when she’s all-too aware of it. That percentage will likely move up quickly over the years, but by continuing to advocate for inclusivity in society, she plans to be ready for it.
In the meantime, she’s embracing change, letting go of things that no longer serve her, and carving out a life that feels both meaningful and enjoyable.
And isn’t that what we’re all trying to do?
Fast-faves
We asked Gretel our rapid-fire fast-fave questions to find out her favourite:
Person: My husband
Destination: So many: Lake Wanaka, NZ; Perito Moreno Glacier or San Martin Los Andes in Argentina; recently Rosby Cellar Door, Mudgee NSW; a long, empty, sandy beach
Hobby: Swimming in the ocean
Food: Seafood - salmon, NZ green lip mussels, Coffin Bay oysters
Movie: As Good As it Gets
Book: A Nadia Lim cookbook.
Life advice: Hope is not a strategy
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Feature image: Gretel with her husband Jason and pooch Harry, courtesy of Gretel Darby.
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