Grandparenting without friction: 5 tips to nurture your relationship without overstepping

‍Grandparenting is one of the sweetest parts about getting older. Here’s how to offer your priceless wisdom without overstepping.

By Carolyn Tate

Being a grandparent is one of life's great joys. It’s a chance to build special bonds with the youngest members of your family – with much less responsibility than being a parent!

But figuring out the parameters of this role can sometimes be challenging, especially when it comes to respecting boundaries and maintaining positive relationships with your adult children and their partners, all of whom might have different ideas of what they want and expect from a grandparent.

It’s up to you to create a nurturing and supportive environment for your family, and to carve out your role as a grandparent who enhances and enriches family life, rather than competing or overriding parental authority.

With patience, understanding, and open communication, you can build lasting, meaningful relationships with both your grandchildren and their parents for many years to come.

So how do you forge a close relationship with your grandchildren, and keep things warm and positive with their parents? Here are our best five tips to help you walk that line without falling over it.

1. Stick to the established rules and routines

Take the time to fully understand the rules and decisions set by the parents regarding discipline, diet, and routines. When looking after your grandchildren, sticking to these guidelines helps keep things consistent, and will therefore prevent any conflicts that may arise. Clear boundaries make it easier for all caregivers to follow through, even when faced with emotional situations or adorable little pleading faces. And while it’s tempting to let those little angels stay up late for extra cuddles, the parents won’t be thanking you the next day when they’re dealing with tired and grumpy kids.

2. Honour the parent’s wishes and embrace change

A hurdle for many grandparents can be respecting and honouring a new style of parenting that may have evolved since you were raising your children. Your kids might not be approaching their parenting role in the same way that you did. Keep in mind that this isn’t a critique of the way you parented, it’s just reflecting the way that our society has evolved. We’re always learning new things about how children learn and grow, and styles of parenting naturally change over time.

Whether your grandchildren are being raised with strict routines and discipline, or they’re being encouraged to be free spirits, supporting the way your children parent their kids can help them build their own confidence as they find their feet. Let them know you’re there for advice or help if they want it, but otherwise, it can help them - and reduce friction - if you simply let them take the lead.

3. Encourage open communication

Communicating openly and productively can go a long way in creating a positive family dynamic. Ask questions and talk about expectations and boundaries in a calm, relaxed way - and definitely not when a toddler is in the middle of a tantrum! Being mindful of your language can also help, such as avoiding possessive terms like ‘my grandchild’ or ‘our baby’.

Sharing your own experiences through storytelling can be a nice gentle way to offer advice without lecturing, but then it’s important to let it go, and not to expect things to be done the same way. Parents are often busy and tired, and having someone to simply listen and validate their feelings can go a long way.

4. Offer to help but don't take over

It’s lovely to help, but think about being specific in your offers, such as babysitting or helping with household chores, so everyone knows what to expect. Let the parents guide you on how much help they need, and ask what they’d like support with.

If someone looks like they haven’t showered in days, that doesn’t mean they need grooming advice - they might just need a few hours of ‘me time’! Taking this approach shows that you respect their primary role, and being willing to offer what they actually need can make your family connections even stronger. It might also help to use gentle language without pressure, such as "I'm available if you need a hand with anything".

5. Be the family historian

As a grandparent, you have a unique opportunity to be the keeper of family history, traditions, and memories. Share stories about your adult children when they were young, but make sure you cast them as the heroes of these tales (the occasional funny or embarrassing story is okay, but not at the expense of your child’s dignity). Your grandchildren will love hearing about their parents' childhood adventures, and it's a beautiful way to strengthen family bonds across generations.