Lifestyle
Rediscovering your relationship in an empty nest
As the kids spread their wings and leave the nest – emotionally, if not physically – you have the opportunity to begin one of the most rewarding phases of your relationship.
By Carolyn Tate
Remember those early days of your relationship, before the pitter-patter of soon-to-be giant feet filled your home and you still had time to talk to each other like actual people instead of co-workers? Well – surprise! – they're back.
Although it might not seem like they’re back, given that the Household, Income and Labour Dynamics in Australia Survey found that over half (HALF!) of adults aged 18-29 still live with their parents – suggesting that the path to an empty nest might be a gradual proposition.
But even when children remain at home, their increasing independence creates a different kind of "empty nest" as they build their own lives.
So here you are, just the two of you, together again at last. The difference is that this time, you're older and wiser (and yes, a little crankier), and it’s fair to say you have the choice to drift apart, or take the chance to fall in love all over again.
As your children spread their wings and leave the nest – emotionally, if not physically – you might even discover that this new chapter could become one of the most rewarding phases of your relationship.
Understanding the emotional transition
The shift to an empty nest can bring a complex mix of emotions. A recent report found less than half of Australian parents “feel proud” when their children move out, and over a third experience sadness – and it’s women who are more likely to feel the emotional impact (44% feel sad compared to 27% of men).
But don’t despair; here's the part that will make you feel much better: 70% of empty nesters reported enjoying their extra time, with 41% spending more quality time with their partners.
It may feel like a whole rollercoaster of emotions, but it’s all completely normal. Some days you’ll feel a surge of freedom and excitement and run naked from room to room with nobody to tell you you’re gross; while others will find you sobbing because the My Little Pony stickers have finally peeled off their wardrobe door.
The key is understanding that it’s a journey, and recognising that this transition period offers a unique opportunity to rediscover both yourself and your partnership.
Rebuilding connection with your partner
After years of coordinating school runs, sporting events, and family dinners where everyone gets to eat food they will tolerate, it's finally time to focus on your relationship and your needs.
While there is something shocking about quoting an actor that played one of the children in Full House (feel old much?), Candace Cameron Bure does have some wisdom to share in this space, having 3 adult children aged 26, 25 and 23.
"In 27 years (of raising children), you have to keep dating,” she told Fox News. “You have to keep laughing together. You have to keep the joy in the relationship."
Whether you’ve done that all along, or you’re finding the need for reconnection, it can help to start by prioritising communication, suggests Elisabeth Shaw, CEO of Relationships Australia NSW.
"Couples should take the time to review and discuss their lives... work out what they like to do... and make an effort to pay conscious attention to themselves and each other," she suggests.
This could mean scheduling regular nights out together, weekend getaways, or simply sharing an uninterrupted morning coffee together. And bonus: this should be much easier now the children are giving you some breathing space.
Consider not only doing things you’ve always loved, but also adding some excitement by exploring new shared interests. Take up ballroom dancing (yikes!), plan an overseas adventure (during school term time - gasp! But cheaper!), or learn how to cook exotic cuisines together.
Whatever you choose, finding fresh ways to connect can reignite the spark that first brought you together.
Encouraging individual growth
If your identity for the past 20 to 30 years has been based largely on “being a great parent”, it can be tempting to transfer that attention over to “being a great spouse”.
While strengthening your bond as a couple is important, maintaining your own individual identity outside of your relationships is just as important.
Australian relationship therapist Isiah McKimmie says it’s important to appreciate how big the change can be, and to give yourself and your partner some grace.
“This is a huge life-change that can impact both partners in a relationship in different ways,” she says. “And it can be a huge adjustment for a relationship.
“I often see couples in therapy at this point in their lives, as they realise that they now have time to focus on themselves again, but also that their relationship has taken a backseat for quite a while.
Often, these couples aren’t sure if they’re still compatible or whether they can regain the kind of intimate connection they really want.”
Isiah says you might each have a lot of feelings to sort through too.
“Both partners can be experiencing different emotions around finally having an ‘empty nest’ and this can add its own strain to the relationship dynamic when one partner doesn’t feel supported.”
It’s also important to prioritise yourself and your own needs during this time, says Isiah.
“Both time together and time doing what you enjoy are important,” she says. “Healthy relationships have a balance of both. Exactly what that balance is will be different for every couple.”
Overcoming common challenges
Having your children move out is rarely a simple transition, with the phenomenon of 'boomerang kids' – those that move out and then return – having the potential to complicate (a nice way of saying ‘ruin’) your new dynamic. Use this time to slowly build new patterns and interests that will serve your relationship well when the nest is truly empty.
Setting clear boundaries and expectations can help you to find balance, and many of us would prefer to see our children develop some independence while still keeping the casa del parentals as their safety net.
Your children don’t need you in the same way that they used to, and treating them like adults (especially when they are) – and expecting them to do the same for you – can bring a whole new relationship for all.
Another complication that can arise is that some couples find the adjustment to constant togetherness challenging.
Isiah suggests a few ways to reconnect and redefine your relationship, including:
- Creating time to spend together
- Planning activities that are fun and playful
- Becoming curious about each other – ask questions and get to know each other again
- Prioritise moments of intimacy
- Improve communication so that you can overcome any challenges or contentious issues together.
If you find you're struggling to find that happy place together, consider a few sessions with a relationship counsellor. Use the sessions to help find ways to come together again in a way that feels right for you.
Looking forward together
An empty nest can feel quiet and intimidating, but it can also be an opportunity for a new beginning. With more time, freedom and life experience than ever before, you have the opportunity to create a richer, more fulfilling partnership to see you through the best years of your life.
In other words, your empty nest is what you make it – so make it fun.
Feature image: iStock/Hispanolistic
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